What says spring around here more than the trampoline going back up? … um, nothing!
I’ve been in a slump lately. Ever since my little started Kindergarten in the fall, I just haven’t been feeling like picking up my camera. It’s been a little sad, I started my photography journey almost 9 years ago, but I started my full time 24/7 mama journey almost 12 years ago, and it’s been hard adjusting to the no longer 24/7ness of being a mama lol. Kids are what I shoot, and my own 3 are often where I get my inspiration from, and who I try out all my ideas on. But anyway … I’m working on getting my mojo back. I’m sure it won’t be a quick thing, it will take some time of readjustment, but here I go … Thinking about maybe some spring mini sessions right around Easter, and perhaps a contest! And because I can’t end a post without some pics, here are a couple I’ve taken over the last week – it’s a start
My E started Kindergarten last Thursday. When you’re a stay at home mom (especially a long time sahm like me – I’m coming up on 12 years in a few months), your baby starting school almost seems like some surreal event – something that you can imagine, but it’s not really going to happen. I liked when my older 2 started school, but then I always had another one at home with me. I never really understood people being upset when their kids went to school – Kindergarten is awesome, they get to make new friends and have new experiences. I always thought when my little one went to school I’d be excited (for him and for me). I had these thoughts in my head that maybe I’d get to go back to school and get a masters. I could go to lunch with friends, get my nails done, actually get my house clean because there would be no one following behind taking out everything I just put away, and by God I could actually use the bathroom by myself for a change! I kind of thought I’d be picking up my life where I left it off. Then my E turned 5 …
(that’s his Birthday picture) … wow, that was hard! “Freedom” wasn’t this surreal thing, it was this reality closing in on me that I don’t know how to be an adult without being a mom 24/7. I was 21 when my daughter was born, and where I left off was hanging out with friends till 3 am, going away for the weekend because I felt like it, and spending money whenever/wherever I wanted because I had no responsibility and that’s just what you do at 21. It is not what you do at 33 when you need to be up at 6:30 to get your middle schooler on the bus, and you have a house to take care of, and financial obligations. I started to look at Kindergarten as a punch to the gut that I know is coming, but I just can’t stop it. It began to feel like a death sentence. The way of life that I’ve had for the last 11 and a half years is gone for most of the week. I’m alone. There is no constant chatter next to me all day long. There’s no one picking out the vegetables for me in the grocery store. There’s no little hand holding mine while I walk through the mall. There’s no one sitting in the laundry basket while I’m folding laundry. Whoever would’ve thought it’d be harder leaving the house alone than it is with a kid who needs to figure out what toy he’s bringing with him, using the bathroom twice even though we’re only going 5 miles away, searching 20 min for a shoe that ends up being exactly where it’s supposed to be in the first place … yup, it is. It’s lonely. I know I’m not a perfect parent, I’m not delusional. I know I’ve made mistakes. I was a young mom. I was also an only child, and having multiple kids in the house was a learning experience. I’ve been frustrated, tired, disappointed, out of patience. I’d like to think I’m a good mom though. My kids seem to like me, most of the time haha. All 3 of my kids are generally happy, healthy, intelligent, outgoing, … I’m assuming that’s not just a coincidence, and that it’s not an accident. I’ve always tried my best to make sure that my kids had high standards for themselves, that they had a solid foundation of strong beliefs in good things and in who they are that would propel them to be successful human beings when they’re out in the world without me. I prepared them for being without me, but I never prepared myself for it. So, I’m sitting here at my desk in front of my iMac that doesn’t have any little finger prints on it, in my clean, quiet living room wishing it was 3:30 so I could walk around the corner and get my baby. I do know it will eventually get easier. I know that next year when he starts 1st grade there will be a little pang of regret that the summer is over, but I’ll be used to sending him to school. By 2nd grade I’ll be singing the Staples back to school commercial song “it’s the most wonderful time of the year …”. Right now I’m going to go clean the dining room knowing that it will stay that way for the rest of the day, and it sucks Maybe I’ll leave a couple of toys on the floor.
I know, it’s a lot all at once, but I’ve been saving everything up to edit for back to school time. My babE started kindergarten yesterday, and I’m not used to being babE-less Trying to keep myself busy!